My mom and I visited a women exhibition 2 months ago. She bought 2 vouchers from the famous and renowned slimming centre which has many branches across Asia – L****n weight management. She bought me a voucher because she wanted me to accompany her, even though I was very reluctant (I am a good and filial daughter). I was very reluctant because I knew how pushy they could be and use possibly every technique to smash your self-esteem just to sell their slimming packages. Note: We only wanted to experience it because of curiosity. We have no intention to lose weight.)

If you followed my blog long enough, you’ll find that my mom and I love to go around trying new spas and massages. She hasn’t tried any in Singapore yet so she was very excited while I was NOT! It was also due to another horrible experience before at M*** Ch** slimming centre. I know how bad it could be so I was very wary and fully prepared for whatever marketing wit that came to me.

We went to L****n in the morning and we were told that it was a 150 minutes treatment. (Nah, trust me..1 hour is used for merely attacking consultation) We were taken to take our weight and height. Guess what, I’m 1 cm taller since last year! If you chose to be skeptical, go ahead co’s I won’t kneel down and beg you to believe me. I have pencil markings on my wall to indicate my growth, too.

I digressed. Anyway, my weight was ideal (according to the chart) and I was very happy (co’s they possibly can’t comment how unattractive, fat and hopeless I was). And mom was 3 kgs above the ideal weight. To average women her age, it is still considered ok. So after that, we were taken to the consultation room to have our particulars filled in. When I was asked my occupation, I told her that I was a lecturer. She hold her pen on the ‘occupation’ field for a moment and was looking for some info from my ID card. I thought perhaps she needed some verification. She then moved on to fill my DOB without filling in my occupation. My mom poked my elbow and whispered:”You better tell her how to spell.” I frowned and whispered:”No lah! I think she doesn’t need to fill my occupation.” After filling in my DOB, she turned to me and asked in mandarin:”Er…can you spell your occupation?” My mom poked my elbow again and gave me a victorious look:”I told you so!”

2 consultants came in. Greeted us and started to analyse our measurements. You see, we have this talent where we could spot faces of gossip and bitchiness in ONE look. At that time, my mom and I sent telepathic look to each other and in our mind, we knew we were DOOMED!

So we were separated. My consultant, let’s call her A, went through my card. She paused awhile and said in mandarin:”Miss Thian, I think you are 2 kgs overweight. Don’t worry, we can help you to slim down.” I wanted to laugh so much. 2 kgs overweight?? Who cares?? Ok…. I smiled and nodded. She then drafted out a program that I needed to go through. That involved steam bath, thermo-blanket, sea salt scrub and muscle toning. Mm..seemed good. Then she wrote $900 on the corner of the paper.

Then she asked me (in mandarin):”So miss Thian, what do you think?”
Me:”Erm..sounds good.”
A:”So do you want to sign our program?”
Me:”Do you think I really need it?”
A:”Ya, mind you, you are 2 kgs overweight! And it is good that you can keep your weight ideal, makes you healthier, too.”
Me:”Ok, I will think about it.”
A:”Why don’t you give me an answer now??”
Me:”Huh??!! I haven’t even tried your treatment yet!!…”

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In another room where my mom was asked the same question. Her program is 5500 dollars if she would sign up. Her consultant, let’s call her B was trying to sell her the package.
B:”So, can you give me an answer?” (in cantonese)
Mom:”I haven’t tried your treatment yet! It is like asking me to buy a house without looking at it..”
B:”But you need to get rid of 10kgs! You need to sign up our program!”

TEN KILOS???!! My mom would be a dehydrated salted fish!

Anyway, we were taken for steam baths,wearing only paper panties and wrapped with towels. NOTE: from this moment, we only had towels wrapped around us and paper panties till the end of the treatment. After 10 minutes, the steam bath made me very uncomfortable. I was very dizzy and wanted to faint. I dashed out from the bath 10 minutes earlier and rested outside. There were several consultants standing in front of the mirror putting up make-up and gossiping. I was a little bit uneasy and luckily my consultant came and took me to another room for thermo blanket.

A chinese lady came to scrub sea salt on my body. The salt was very coarse and she scrubbed on my body and on my big wounds! (on my knees) It was so painful as if millions of needles poked through my knees. My tears rolled down and I screamed my heart out! She saw my wounds and apologised. I said in trembling voice that it was ok and asked her to clean the salt from my wounds. She quickly found a dry towel and brushed against my wound, trying to clean the salt away. Can you imagine a DRY towel (without softener) brushing on your wound??!!! Can you imagine how hard and coarse the towel was??? At this point, I would recommend Softies. I love SOFTIES. I screamed again.

After all the screams and tears, she finally wrapped me with many towels and thermo-blanket. I thought I could ‘rest in peace’ for 30 minutes.

I was wrapped like a mummy and the blanket was super hot! I started to perspire and I was delighted. But after 8 minutes, I started to feel breathless and dizzy again. I wanted to press the bell for help but I couldn’t move at all. I was struggling to bring my arms out by moving the towels first. But guess what, without the towels, my skin touched the blanket and it burnt! I wriggled like a caterpillar on fire and tried to press the button for help. An announcement was made to my room and A came. I told her that I was very uncomfortable and asked if she could only wrap my lower body. It was so much better without having towels pressing against my chest. My mom encountered the same problem, too. But the difference was, she screamed for help instead of pressing the button.

One more thing, I find it hard to relax because there were public announcement almost every 5 minutes! “XX, proceed to room 3.” “xx, your customer is waiting for you.” “xx, take your customer to room 5, please.” Sometimes it made me felt like I was a pros******.

After the thermo-blanket, I went to QUEUE for shower. Fine, I needed time to rest and cooled down my body, too. The waiting room was very small and there were 4 other aunties waiting at the same time. Some had brownish and greenish mud/paste on their bodies. I, on the other hand had a super red face, messy hair and panda-eyes. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn’t know if I should cry or laugh at myself. It seemed like I have just come back from a battle. I looked exhausted.

“Ex-cue, ex-cue!” The cleaner took a bag of rubbish and urged me to move. Then I realised I was sitting 1 cm away from a huge rubbish bin. I stood up shakily holding my towel and moved away. After she left, I sat down again for not more than 2 minutes, another auntie came,”Cue-me, cue-me! Lock-ka, Lock-ka!” I was already very blurred and trying to understand what she said, then I realised I was sitting and leaning against the lockers. I had to stand up once again and let the other 2 aunties to do whatever business in the lockers. In case you wonder, I had no where to stand nor sit, except the chair which was 1 cm away from the rubbish bin. It was THAT small with aunties queuing for shower.

TO BE CONTINUED..

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