said Morrie.

“Did you think much about death before you got sick?”

“No”. Morrie smiled. “Like I said, no one really believes they’re going to die.”

“Why is it so hard to think about dying?”

“Because, most of us all walk around as if we’re sleepwalking. We really don’t experience the world fully, because we’re half asleep, doing things we automatically think we have to do.”

“And facing death changes all that?”

“Oh yes. You strip away all that stuff and you focus on the essentials. When you realise you are going to die, you see everything much differently. Learn how to die, and you learn how to live.”

“The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn’t work, don’t buy it.”

“So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things that they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”

-Extracted from Tuesdays with Morrie

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Friends asked me what my 2010 new year resolutions were before I leave for Kalimantan. I didn’t know how to answer because I wasn’t even sure what I really wanted in 2010. Every morning, the first thing I did when I opened my eyes was to spend a good 5 minutes gazing at my ceiling, thinking what I had to “contribute” to create meanings for the day. I dreaded to start my day if I could not find one. And none of it has got to do with material good.

I wonder if I have come to this stage too early for my age: to think about the meaning of my life, my work and the things that matter to me the most.

After coming back from spending a week with the villagers, orphans and my team member of 20, I realised one thing: I am searching for purpose and meaning, not from material goods but from loving and receiving love from the people around me.

I saw how “ibu” (means mother in malay) devotes her life to take care of her orphans. Though the orphans have to leave the orphanage when they become teenagers, she still faithfully grooms them, educates them and teaches them life skills. Some may or may not even return to the home. I wonder how she feels when an orphan has to leave after 10 years of her cares.

I fell very ill one day at the orphanage. I vomited so many times that I could hardly swallow a droplet of liquid. There I was lying on the wooden floor gasping to breathe from stomach cramps and dehydration. The funny thing that I needed the most was not the medicine but the presence of my loved ones. Friends came around with concerns, some held my hands, brought me Yakult, water, tea and one cooked me potato soup. Don came to check on me so many times with medicine and occasional touches on my forehead though he was also busy attending to other sick team members. I was very touched.

Last night, I picked up the book – “Tuesdays with Morrie” from library. Finally, I found the answer to my endless search for meanings. I have been sleepwalking. I have been going after things that do not “fill me”.

My resolution for 2010, just one: Continue to search for the “true meaning” to live for my remaining years, as though as I’m living the last day of my life. I know it is not easy, and I am not even sure if I could ever find it. But at least I’ll try….:)

Talking about “meaning”, I have the most meaningful Christmas. No santa claus, no big feast, no colourful neon lights and loud christmas songs…just LOVE..lots of LOVE.

Fell asleep on my most comfortable shoulder…I wish I could swap place with this boy

“As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on – in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.” said Morrie.

Will update about my trip later.

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